My mind is..."Gone With the Wind".

I realized yesterday that I only have to survive one more weekend (after this one) at Speedway. I am excited about the prospect of actually having two whole days off during the week but I am still worried about the lack of extra income. I am trying to learn how to budget and, let me tell you, it is hard. Does this mean that I will have to start keeping up with receipts and tracking every penny I spend? I am not good at keeping up with paperwork, period. I really don’t want to feel like I can’t do things that Chad and I enjoy doing because of money. I know I can probably survive but; don’t you ever get tired of just surviving? “As God is my witness they're not going to lick me. I'm going to live through this and when it's all over, I'll never be hungry again.” LOL. How is that for waxing poetic…, er literary? I know if I try really hard (eating at home more, not being so frivolous with my money), I can make it. That is to say, I can support myself. I just hope, once Caden gets here, I won’t have to immediately go back to working two jobs again. It will mean calculating in diapers, wipes, formula (if I decide breastfeeding is not a viable option), clothing, etc, etc- all of the things that babies need. That is the part that scares me. Lord knows the state isn’t going to help me and it’s easy to say that my child won’t want for anything, though not even close to realistic. Realistically, I hope he has all he needs. We have a lot of the big stuff out of the way already (a place to live, a place to sleep, some clothes to wear and a new bassinet that some little angel (ahem, you know who you are) bought, but I have to worry about all the little things that add up and that are so easy to forget. I just need to exercise a little willpower when it comes to what I really want versus what I really need. Not working 13 hrs a day or even 7 days a week will give me more time to cook and hopefully manage to get organized. Who knows, I might even manage a few more winks. Heaven knows, I could do without all the added stress. I don’t think Chad knows what to do with me sometimes. It seems like I am always a step away from a meltdown. The little everyday things that really shouldn’t matter (getting stuck in traffic, breaking a hair band, you name it) are enough to catapult me into emotional chaos. I know it’s not healthy for me or the baby but, I tell myself, just a little more me time…that’s all I need. When you have trouble remembering where your light switch is, it's time for a break.

Update

Just a quick, short update- not much to blog about that is baby related today, other than- last night Chad saw Caden move and felt him kick for the first time. It was sweet. I was pressing down on my tummy with stethoscope again (even though, as previously mentioned, I can’t hear the baby yet) and he moved and made my belly jump. Chad saw it move a few times especially when I pissed the baby off and he kicked me really hard (still not big enough for it to hurt) and I had Chad put his fingers on my abdomen and he felt him kick once only he said it felt more like a twitch or jerk like an eye twitch. I was excited though because I was afraid he wouldn’t be able to feel him at all. Apparently, that happens. Chad said that he knew we were watching him lol. Maybe so.

Week 24

I went back to the doctor yesterday for my monthly routine appointment. I officially weigh 161 pounds. Officially, that is the most I have ever weighed in my life lol. Of course that is only 4 more pounds than what I weighed on the last visit 4 weeks ago so that is good and on target. Go me. According to What to Expect, “Your baby weighs more than a pound and a half right now and sports a crown-to-rump length of about eight and a half inches (standard letter size!). “ so only 160 and half of it is me (lol) The baby’s heartbeat was in the range of 150 and I actually “heard” him kick on the Doppler. He either doesn’t like the cold (definitely my child) or the pressure in general because he reacted the same way when I used Mary’s stethoscope to listen for his heartbeat. Unfortunately, the doctor says I probably won’t be able to hear him on a regular stethoscope until I am 32 weeks. I am only 24 weeks now :( I thought about seeing if Chad’s sister would let me listen to Landon’s heartbeat but she might find that weird lol. She is due next month, so- well past the 32 week mark.

Also interesting this week:

“Wondering what (and who) your baby will look like? If you had a baby cam, you'd almost be able to tell by now. That beautiful face (though still tiny) is almost fully formed. [I am hoping he looks like Chad :). He was such a pretty baby and he isn’t too shabby now if I do say so myself :) Lucky me.] ….”

I guess I will find out soon enough.

Time keeps on slipping slipping...

Christy said I should take some time this weekend and update my blog. Yes Mommy. I told her I didn't have time but here I am at 11:20 in the p.m. doing just that. I don't really have much to blog about other than, my feet hurt. I guess around this time is when all the fun starts happening, like leg cramps, swollen feet, heartburn. Good times. I don't know if my feet are actually swollen or if they just hurt from standing at the gas station. Luckily in 24 more days (June 11th)I won't have to worry about that. My days as an SSA employee will be over. I will miss the extra 3 or 400 month but I won't miss the added stress. Summer is on it's way and business is picking up. I don't know if I can make it 3 more weeks much less 4 more months. Chad's sister Jill has less than a month to go before she pops so I guess I should walk a mile in her shoes because I am sure I haven't seen anything yet. I have so much to do and right now I do not have the time to do it. I feel like I am living in a pig sty. It's mostly clutter right now but after picking up after everyone else all day it's hard to motivate myself to do anything but plop down on the couch when I get home. I did get some (but not all) laundry accomplished today and I put Caden's crib together (thanks to my sister Michelle who has saved me hundreds of dollars in baby stuff). Thanks to everyone actually. I think I would be more distraught at this point if I didn't have so much help from everyone. I am blessed. Like Mary says, the Lord always provides. I really need to vacuum but I keep putting it off. Partly because I have to get taller gates (cats can jump- who knew?). I know if I clean it now the cats will just get hair everywhere again, until I can find a way to keep them out of the bedroom, and mostly because I just havent had time or when I do- I don't feel like it. I have to believe it will get done it just seems that time is flying by. I go back to the doctor on Wednesday. Wish me luck. As many of you know this chapter in my life wasn't exactly planned but I don't know what I would do if anything happened to our little baby. He isn't here yet but he is already a part of my life and Chad's and I can't imagine our future without him.

The "P" word continued...

continued from previous post below...

I am not kidding you here. My middle name should be Procrastination [Jennifer Ann Procrastination Adkins-Adkins-Adkins nee Adkins]. Alas, it’s a bit lengthy. It is a wonder I ever get anything done. I either don’t have time or when I do have time I just don’t feel like it.
Today, I fully plan to work on the flowers in the yard. As you can see, the poppies and irises have started blooming. This really counts as fun for me, but I can rationalize. This weekend, provided I get the day off, I will hopefully make it to Greenup County to pick up the baby stuff that my sister is giving me. I know that there is a playpen and a high chair and car seat and bouncer and who knows what else, but I really need to get a move on so that I can actually see what I do have, as opposed to what I don’t have and still need. I need to clean the carpets and put up gates to keep the cats out of the bedroom and dust and finish cleaning out the closet and the list goes on. I don’t know how I will ever be done by September. Pray for me.


P.S> screw blogger for truncating my post.

The "P" Word

I told Julie that I was going to devote a blog to peeing and heartburn lol. Not that I couldn’t ramble on for hours (well at least 20 minutes) on the subject, but I doubt that anyone would appreciate the effort. But seriously, I don’t think I have gone to the bathroom this much in my life. Just yesterday I discovered that we had hand sanitizer dispensers positioned outside the “facilities” at work that have, according to Mary, been there for 3 years. THREE YEARS….seriously?? I never noticed. I have gone from once or twice a day (yeah I don’t drink enough liquids) to 50 times. I can’t even give Jodi a hard time about her, as yet undiagnosed, diabetes and multiple trips to the little girl’s room. Sad.
Being the “new mommy geek” (thanks Christy) that I am, of course you know I am going to Google peeing and pregnancy and all I can say is THANK GOODNESS I haven’t experienced incontinence yet. Go ahead, Google it. It will make you feel better. If you need to break it down a step further and have loss of voluntary control of excretory functions defined, I will just tell you….It’s called pissing on yourself. This happens to some pregnant women. Lovely, eh? I haven’t pissed my pants yet, but if I do- promise not to laugh at me. I will stop there. “The day may come when the courage of men fails” and I devote an entire blog to the subject, but “it is not this day”.
I find myself becoming increasingly less embarrassed about the facts of life as this whirlwind continues. I mean, this is the girl who used to be embarrassed to be seen buying feminine products. (Still not a subject that is appropriate for mixed company, lest my proclivities on the topic go unnoticed.)
I digress.
Today’s blog is [mostly] dedicated to the story of my life, procrastination. Our little guy will be here before we know it (128 days, give or take a few-but not too many) and I feel like I haven’t accomplished anything in the way of preparation. I am over halfway there. Five months seems like a long time but then I think about how the previous five have flown by. Last night I actually made some progress in cleaning out one of my closets to make room but, I swear, I am not even close to being done. My problem is that I am a pack rat. There, I said it. If it holds a memory or the least bit of sentimental value, it’s probably stuffed in a box somewhere. As of last night, I still had old letters that my first college roommate and I sent to each other when she commuted. I actually found an email print out from 1996 to an old friend listing memories of things that we had done together that should never be forgotten. Guess what, I don’t remember half of them. Of course much of my college life I spent in an alcoholic daze. At least I have grown out of that. There were a few things on the list that cracked me up and brought back a funny story (chicken and chow mien rice, fire water) but I don’t suppose it’s doing me much good in a box. I was so proud that I actually narrowed two plastic storage boxes down to one but there were things I couldn’t bring myself to toss. I still have literary works of art from high school (please, let’s don’t reminisce on how long ago that has been- ugg) and poems that I have written. I just can’t toss those. You are with me on this, right??
I have also discovered that I have more tape dispenser refills than I will ever need and legal pads, oh and all sorts of crafty shiznit like card stock, poster board- that I will never use (thanks Christy for taking that off my hands). I found the latter when I was looking for a manila envelope to mail the rebate for Chad’s curve that has to be postmarked TODAY or I lose a hundred bucks.

Sea Monkey

Last night I was leaning back on a pillow on the couch and Caden was moving around like a monkey inside my belly (must have been the mt dew lol) and then all of a sudden I actually saw my stomach jump. It was amazing. I lay there watching my belly for a little while after. I am in week 22 now and our baby is getting bigger every day. Next week he should weigh around a pound. That's hard to imagine. I guess it won’t be long before Chad can feel him moving too. I hope so anyway. I read somewhere that sometimes they can’t feel the baby at all. Chad says that I wanted to feel him move and now the baby is going to beat me up lol. I said that’s ok, he’s just letting me know he’s there. I wonder what he will be when he grows up…an astronaut, a rocket scientist- I have high hopes :) I just hope I am there for every second. He is going to have a big family with plenty of surrogate aunts (hehe) to love him and nurture him and a daddy and mommy who love him, so I feel like he already has a big advantage.

“Week 21: The Baby's Movements

"Pregnancy's full of joys, and full of worries — and fetal movement, as you've already noticed, can provide you with plenty of both (often within the same day). Most of all, it can keep you guessing — a lot. Was that gas bubble a movement, or was it just gas? Is that too little movement I'm noticing or too much? Should the baby be kicking so hard — or is the baby kicking too softly? Are those octopus-like movements being made by a baby or a baby octopus?
Most women begin to feel movement somewhere between weeks 18 and 22, though veteran moms tend to feel the baby moving a little sooner than first-timers. Chalk it up to laxer abdominal muscles (there has to be some benefit to those!) or merely the fact that second-timers are more likely to recognize a kick when they feel it. Thinner moms-to-be may also feel movement earlier and more often than those carrying a lot of extra weight, since there's less padding to serve as insulation.
After feeling that first momentous kick (or was it?), it's not surprising you're aching to feel more. But a mom's perception of movement is very erratic during the second trimester. Though your baby is almost certainly moving continually, you probably won't be feeling it consistently until he or she is bigger and packing a more powerful punch. In fact, it's not unusual for a day, or two, or even three to go by during the early weeks of movement without hearing from (or, rather, feeling) your baby. It's not until the third trimester that you'll need to keep track of your baby's kicks; after 28 weeks, in fact, your practitioner will likely advise you to keep count once a day.
Still not sure if that was movement you felt in the first place? While every expectant mom will describe those first movements differently, some common descriptions include: flutters, butterfly wings flapping, gas bubbles, growling stomach, twitches, light tapping, like a little fish swimming. None of those fit the bill? Don't worry. Before long, those little movements will turn into bigger ones, leaving no doubt in your mind about what's going on inside your belly.
”
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Gotta love those What to Expect emails. So timely and a daily reassurance that I’m not alone and that it’s normal not to feel my “little fish” (that’s what I call him :) ) moving around.. Once you get past the puking in the first trimester and start the second, sometimes you have days where you don’t really feel pregnant, if that makes sense. You feel like you should be feeling different but you don’t then when you feel your baby move for the first time and see him growing inside you, there isn’t any doubt. Christy says it feels exactly like butterflies in your stomach, but I think it’s different for everyone. Personally, I like the goldfish swimming in a bag depiction or a flutter. And trust me you, you will no doubt tell yourself that what you were feeling around 17 weeks was just gas after all ( :) ) It’s an entirely different feeling and the more you get used to feeling it, the easier it is to distinguish. On the days I don’t feel him as much I always worry that something is wrong, but then- out of nowhere I will feel a baby giant kick (only it feels more like pushing from the inside out (like a goldfish in a bag), and even when he aims straight for my bladder I always stop and smile or chuckle and think “there’s my little boy”. Who knows, I might not be smiling so much a few months from now when he gets big enough to really let me know he is there. I think I will be smiling while I am working on my own defense tactics from Chad’s future linebacker lol. Right now I am looking forward to the added reassurance and mostly I can’t wait for the day when Chad puts his hand on my bulging belly and feels his baby boy kicking for the first time :) . I am trying to keep him involved as much as possible from ultrasounds to shopping for pants that fit :) (He can be a real sweetheart ( don’t ask his sisters about that lol :P) . Besides my baby bump and my nice new tatas, oh and my mood swings and frequent bathroom breaks and constant nagging- it might seem a little more real to him too. I like to tease him and I ask him what he is going to do when the baby comes out looking like him hehe. He doesn’t always tell me what he is thinking so I hope I am doing my very best to reassure him that life as he knows it, isn’t over. He’s still a pup and though I know he will be there to help me as much as he can, I don’t want him to feel burdened- even if that means diaper duty is more 80/20 than 50/50. He even offered to DD me after the baby gets here. (I know right :) ) He is definitely going to be the “cool parent”. I tell him I am going to worry constantly when the baby gets here and he tells me not to be like that. I guess it’s a blessing that it’s a boy or else I would wind up locking her up until she was 30 or be like someone I know and send horrible pics of what STD’s look like and tell her that’s what happens when you kiss a boy lol. Right now I am stuck at worrying about what will happen if stay on my back 2 seconds too long. Chad says he has never heard of this but apparently lying on your back during pregnancy can cause hemorrhoids, low blood pressure and may decrease the oxygen supply to the baby- something to do with all of your weight being on the inferior vena cava (vein that returns blood from the lower body back to the heart). I feel like such an invalid sometimes (not being able to do the things I would normally do for myself like climbing stepladders, heavy lifting). I am only 5 months now. I can’t imagine how much worse its going to be when I can’t bend down to paint my toenails or when I can no longer see my feet hehe. Good thing Mary offered to do that for me. What great friends I have. I know I complain a lot but as far as my friends and my Chad are concerned, I am blessed. Maybe it’s the hormones lol.